I like the internet

If you didnt like either of those videos then go fuck yourself. If you felt an emotion during either of them that wasnt A: fury or B: overwhelming awesomeness, then go eat some bacon and punch some sheet metal until you dont feel feelings anymore or go fuck yourself.

If you dont think this is awesome, get the fuck off my blog.

This is the coolest thing ive ever seen. Found this yesterday and had to evolve in the space of a few in seconds in order to grow a penis so I could get a boner over it. Before i'd even clicked the link my flatmate Hamish was determined to convince me it was a guy in a suit. But Hamish thinks Orbs are phospherescent fish superimposed onto films of nothing and hes also a racist that doesnt believe in ghosts or black people. And if you don't believe in ghosts I hate you, because it means you dont believe in things that are fucking totally badass and fuck shit up.

There goes my hero

Here for your viewing pleasure I have posted some of my favorites from the inspiring artwork of Valin Mattheis.
Warning - looking at this artwork may cause the desire to fight bears and/or sharks. And some side effects of prolonged viewing can cause the manifestation of amazing super powers.

Im lucky enough to have a few of his drawings in my possession. I look at them every day to get pumped for my job as a total fucking badass.





Go check out more of his artwork on his flickr - http://www.flickr.com/people/unforgivablerealness/

From there you can also go check out his blog which showcases his fantastically eloquent and descriptive writing ability. There you will find many a tale of awesome power and adventure through the eyes of a total fucking badass. Its fucking main and you should go and read it now. Badass.

I'd rather eat a dead rock.

ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
hey
rawr says:
hey
how r u?
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
im good
where do i know you from?
rawr says:
maybe vf
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
oh yeah
rawr says:
can i see you?
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
why
rawr says:
cuz you are beautiful
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
so you can tell me i look pretty and you want to --- yeah there it is
and no
no you cant



...............Today I am pissed off with people who stop talking to me when I dont cam and also when the first thing i get asked is to cam. Camming costs BANDWIDTH that I could be using to watch PORN and I have to watch PORN because you live too far away to FUCK me and i'll probably never MEET you.
Im not going to waste it sitting there whilst someone says "OMG UR LIKE SOOOO BEUTIFUL ALL DA OTHER GIRLS ARE WELL PANTS"
Because that is boring to me.
And I hate you.
And little do you know, I havent shaved my legs in two weeks and my hair has separated into dreadlocks because my shampoo is crappy and my hair straightener sucks. How beautiful is that? My hands smell like onions from the sauce I made earlier. Sexy? Lets rub them on me so I smell like onions all over. But yes, watch me on cam and tell me im beautiful. Please do. So I can tell you I smell like mushrooms and onions today.

I loled for like 45 minutes.

Reviews of games based solely on the cover: The Bards Tale.

In The Bards Tale you play as a life hardened pirate type guy with the eyes of a pervert. His name is probably something Lord of the Rings-esque like Kwangfarn or Labirkpenis.
By the looks of it he likes to hang out in pubs but thinks lesser of the whorey wenches that bring him mead and all the other dregs of society because hes had a tough life and he's just in it to make a buck. Hes a dirty, unfeeling bard, and he likes it rough because he's lived the hard life and thats all he knows.
His sword is useless and looks like something i'd buy at the $2 Shop. Fighting enemies with this would be like trying to fuck without a boner so I dont know why he's smiling.
Seems to me that this game was made by Dungeons and Dragons enthusiasts who set out to make the most generic "medievil" type role playing game they could, in the process forgetting that a Bard is someone who entertains, not someone who wears poo stained rags and fights with lightening.
On the reverse underneath the vague blurb describing the game it tells me excitedly that I can "summon up to 16 creatures" and "get crushed by traps".

Thrilling stuff. Because when I set out to play a videogame for the first time I fucking love knowing which aspects of it will eventually make me fucking furious. It reiterates this fact by telling me there are "smarter foes, fiercer battles". Like its what I really want. "Oh please THQ, make me a crappy looking game where the graphics make me want to kill myself but make it really hard too so I can spend ages watching what appear to be zombies glitching out on my terribly rendered $2 Shop blade when what I should really be holding as a bard is a FUCKING HARP".

But then again what else are you going to get from a game with a tagline like "A quest for coin and cleavage".
Im going to play this tonight and I will probably enjoy it, because I generally touch myself over anything THQ puts there name on.
Fuck you.
6/10

there's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves

Here I was minding my own business, thoroughly enjoying my latest bout of period cramps when I heard someone walking up my deck. I have the blinds up just enough so I can see who is coming over to annoy me but just low enough as to give me cover if i should desire a quick escape from whoever that might be.
Anyway, i have just enough window to see that these two dudes are carrying books. Which can only mean one thing, fucking Jehovahs.
So I open the door, bent over holding my stomach, my hair wild and face contorted with pain and after staring at me for a few seconds in horror they go into the whole Jesus speal.
Ok, I fucking hate hearing about Jesus, but if theres one thing I hate more than hearing about fucking Jesus its being made to get up from my fucking chair. So im already furious.
Now, I figure ive got two options, as i see it there are two sure fire ways to make them fuck off quickly and never return, I can slam the door in their face and then run around the house screaming voodoo curses in the hope that they wont come back. Or, I can politely tell them that im a Buddhist and pray to..well...god, that they get the hint and FUCK OFF.
I went with the Buddhism thing. Fail.
He ignores me and gives me a pamphlet that looks something like this:


Except MINE has a lion having a picnic with a child. I would usually be converted on that basis alone but I was having none of it. I was tired. Hungover. Cramping and by this point would've had sex with a hobo for half a cheeseburger.

I also got this neat little pamphlet:

Apparently god requires us to be Borat or Jackie Chan unless we're female in which case we have to be a 1950's Jamaican housewife.

One of them turned to me and told me in a thick german accent about adam and eve and how they ate from the tree and thats why we die and all that bullshit and i said, "isnt the whole deal that youre supposed to forgive? why is god still holding a grudge, bit hypocritical"
Their response was;
"well he wanted to test them and they failed"
and i said after a long pause
"..............well cant he put another tree in the world and if we pass the test we can be immortal again"
They stared at me for the longest time and then said "God will create a Utopia where we all can live in harmony"
Then from inside the house I heard my sister shout "WHEN?!" and as they both looked sideways to try and see where the disembodied voice had come from I bid them good day and slid my door shut.

Its safe to say from my careful observation of their behavior during this conversation that they would've gone back to their car and had furious anal sex. And I can say that because they worship a sky wizard that says they have to forgive me.

The best parts were when I told them I loved sinning and would just ask for forgiveness before I died. They hated it.

I love religion.