there's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves

Here I was minding my own business, thoroughly enjoying my latest bout of period cramps when I heard someone walking up my deck. I have the blinds up just enough so I can see who is coming over to annoy me but just low enough as to give me cover if i should desire a quick escape from whoever that might be.
Anyway, i have just enough window to see that these two dudes are carrying books. Which can only mean one thing, fucking Jehovahs.
So I open the door, bent over holding my stomach, my hair wild and face contorted with pain and after staring at me for a few seconds in horror they go into the whole Jesus speal.
Ok, I fucking hate hearing about Jesus, but if theres one thing I hate more than hearing about fucking Jesus its being made to get up from my fucking chair. So im already furious.
Now, I figure ive got two options, as i see it there are two sure fire ways to make them fuck off quickly and never return, I can slam the door in their face and then run around the house screaming voodoo curses in the hope that they wont come back. Or, I can politely tell them that im a Buddhist and pray to..well...god, that they get the hint and FUCK OFF.
I went with the Buddhism thing. Fail.
He ignores me and gives me a pamphlet that looks something like this:


Except MINE has a lion having a picnic with a child. I would usually be converted on that basis alone but I was having none of it. I was tired. Hungover. Cramping and by this point would've had sex with a hobo for half a cheeseburger.

I also got this neat little pamphlet:

Apparently god requires us to be Borat or Jackie Chan unless we're female in which case we have to be a 1950's Jamaican housewife.

One of them turned to me and told me in a thick german accent about adam and eve and how they ate from the tree and thats why we die and all that bullshit and i said, "isnt the whole deal that youre supposed to forgive? why is god still holding a grudge, bit hypocritical"
Their response was;
"well he wanted to test them and they failed"
and i said after a long pause
"..............well cant he put another tree in the world and if we pass the test we can be immortal again"
They stared at me for the longest time and then said "God will create a Utopia where we all can live in harmony"
Then from inside the house I heard my sister shout "WHEN?!" and as they both looked sideways to try and see where the disembodied voice had come from I bid them good day and slid my door shut.

Its safe to say from my careful observation of their behavior during this conversation that they would've gone back to their car and had furious anal sex. And I can say that because they worship a sky wizard that says they have to forgive me.

The best parts were when I told them I loved sinning and would just ask for forgiveness before I died. They hated it.

I love religion.