Now there isnt much to say about Dragonball Evolution that hasnt already been said about getting kicked in the face 9 times, but I will try my best.
For anyone thinking of seeing this film I would recommend instead going out and spending the rental fee on a really average looking prostitute, because it has pretty much the same effect, that of leaving you feeling dissatisfied and suicidal. I personally still feel bafflement and confusion as to WHY Chow Yun Fat would agree to go near this.
DB:Evolution is full of unknowns and is reminiscent of such films as Dungeons & Dragons because of its complete lack of substance, due possibly to the fact that it was made in a hurry by filmmakers desperate to get nerds to spend money usually spent on warhammer and Geek4Geeks.com memberships instead of people who actually give a shit about staying true to the genre or true to fans. Any fan of the original dragonball series will agree that its as if Stephen Chow asked a child to write the script. A 10 year old child. A retarded child that hadnt even seen Dragonball. One that described it using only hand gestures.
I had to watch it in parts. I waded through the first part holding on to the hope that these people couldnt possibly anally rape my childhood for over an hour, surely, and ended up watching the second only with help from someone who hit the nail on the head by describing it as 'Porn without the sex".
Which funnily enough sums up D&D, Street Fighter, Cutie Honey Live Action AND pretty much the entire Power Rangers series. All made on the same principal. No offence.
Save for a few decent special effects, and I use the word "decent" very generously, it was a very average film, none of the cast look as they should and aside from the aforementioned role of Chow Yun Fat as Master Roshi all the acting is sub-par and I would advise watching it in parts like I did because I can imagine watching it in one go would conjure up feelings of horror akin to Hatchet Vs Genitals on repeat for 16 years.
average/10
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Oh herro and werrcome to my crock shop.
So Its like 5am, Well, Its 5:18am. BUT my phone says its 5:19. So It got me thinking. Which is right? I could go and find all the clocks in the house and even if they all match they probably dont match all the clocks in someone elses house. Or the country or even the WORLD. So who has the right time? Think, There is someone somewhere in the world who has exactly the right time. Like, When the first intelligent people invented clocks and set them to the first time ever I wonder if that times still right now. Or if its like an hour off. Even a few seconds off. Surely.
And before clocks, things were decided by the setting of the sun so how do they know NOW that they have the right ORIGINAL time if sometimes the sun sets differently and what if it set a little later than usual on the day they set the first clocks. And what if now we're all living in a world of wrong time. It poses the question...What IS the right time? What IS time? Time is the word we use for a manmade thing. But before clocks there was still time. So what is now?
Couldnt I just set my clock forward or back a few hours and tell people that was the right time according to me and live by it? Who controls time? Is there a law against time changing and could i be arrested? What about appointments. Could I argue that my 10 o clock with the doctor isnt on my time and arrive late without consequence? And If I got a tattoo and they charged by the hour couldnt i say that 3 hours is equivalent to one hour in my time? What would be the argument against me?
So time is basically a worldwide agreement between everyone. It is constant and unchanging in pattern. Its really the only thing everyone has in common. A minutes a minute..An hours and hour a days a day. No one will argue otherwise. Its probably the only thing created by man that everyone can agree on and I guess its nice to think about it like that.
But its scary to think that without the terminologys like "minute" we're all just existing in an everlasting continuum of happenings. Without "Minute" there is no end to anything. How long is a minute? 60 seconds. But, What is a second? A second is the time it takes me to do something quick. But how quick is quick? What defines a second?
In terms of what the worlds already experienced in the grand scheme of things mans evolution to its current point was quick and if since the beginning its been an hour we arrived in about a minute. How BIG is time? How much more time do we have before it runs out? Apparently the aztecs made this clock thingy thats supposed to run out soon, But how do we know their time is the same as ours, Their "Years" could be millenia in our terms we just dont know. Why do we assume everyone in the history of everything measured time in the same way.
I AM SO CONFUSED AND TIRED.
Dont even get me started on distance...
And before clocks, things were decided by the setting of the sun so how do they know NOW that they have the right ORIGINAL time if sometimes the sun sets differently and what if it set a little later than usual on the day they set the first clocks. And what if now we're all living in a world of wrong time. It poses the question...What IS the right time? What IS time? Time is the word we use for a manmade thing. But before clocks there was still time. So what is now?
Couldnt I just set my clock forward or back a few hours and tell people that was the right time according to me and live by it? Who controls time? Is there a law against time changing and could i be arrested? What about appointments. Could I argue that my 10 o clock with the doctor isnt on my time and arrive late without consequence? And If I got a tattoo and they charged by the hour couldnt i say that 3 hours is equivalent to one hour in my time? What would be the argument against me?
So time is basically a worldwide agreement between everyone. It is constant and unchanging in pattern. Its really the only thing everyone has in common. A minutes a minute..An hours and hour a days a day. No one will argue otherwise. Its probably the only thing created by man that everyone can agree on and I guess its nice to think about it like that.
But its scary to think that without the terminologys like "minute" we're all just existing in an everlasting continuum of happenings. Without "Minute" there is no end to anything. How long is a minute? 60 seconds. But, What is a second? A second is the time it takes me to do something quick. But how quick is quick? What defines a second?
In terms of what the worlds already experienced in the grand scheme of things mans evolution to its current point was quick and if since the beginning its been an hour we arrived in about a minute. How BIG is time? How much more time do we have before it runs out? Apparently the aztecs made this clock thingy thats supposed to run out soon, But how do we know their time is the same as ours, Their "Years" could be millenia in our terms we just dont know. Why do we assume everyone in the history of everything measured time in the same way.
I AM SO CONFUSED AND TIRED.
Dont even get me started on distance...
OOM.
My first criticism is with the release of GWEN (Eye of the North) and the Norn skill "Ursan". The use of the "Ursan" skill employs the spirit of bear which replaces your current build of skills with a new one to give you armor and health bonus as well as high dmg skills, the only negative aspect being that of energy degeneration over a period of time which is combatted easily by attacking and bringing energy back up. EVERYONE and their retarded cousin uses this build. To get "Ursan" to a useable level you must have Rank10 on the Norn title track which is aquired by repetitive farming, each monster killed depending on hard mode or normal mode you receive 1-2 points or more depending on hunting bonuses.
I. Cant. Be. Bothered.
Because I dont have the patience to repeatedly farm norn points and get high ranking ursan im constantly excluded from doing elite dungeons. Things usually go like this;
Me - lfg
Them - show build
*shows carefully crafted build that works perfectly*
Them - No ursan?
Me - I dont need ursan its perfectly fine
Them - you will die, you cant do it without ursan
*shows various titles all aquired without ursan*
*gets kicked anyway*
Them - lfg slavers, no ursanless noobs
....ffs
I was in a group the other day that told me i needed ursan and that I was a noob for not having it. I told them to fuck off, My build works fine, I dont need a skill that replaces it to make me almost invincible just to play the fucking game. Some agreed, some did not. We went anyway, Got into the dungeon, All the ursans got completely owned and I had a good laugh to myself whilst being the only one managing to stay alive (as ursan has little or no healing capability or rez).
Another thing that winds me up is people who have problems with mixed builds.
My build is comprised of 8 skills, for example my rit, I have restoration, spirits which do dmg and some magic plus rez and my secondary as a ranger allows me to do high dmg with a bow as well. This is fucking awesome. But people always ask me why its mixed and im not a specific dmg dealer or healer. I fucking love my build. My build isnt to help you, Its not my job to care if you cant work your build properly and you die. Thats what heroes are for. Im not going to miss out on fun so I can stay back and heal your ass.
My third peeve, which could also apply to most mmo's, is people calling other people noobs for not knowing the exact specs and price of weapons or location of outpost. You seem to forget you were a noob once. You were a horrible noob that annoyed the fuck out of people who knew how to play the game, you spammed questions in outposts and had multicoloured armor and the wrong weapon equipped because no matter how many times people told you a warrior doesnt use a staff you would be adamant that "im allow to use what i want lol"
I no longer have the problem of being called a noob, probably because im not, But I was once. If someones a low lvl and doesnt know what the fuck theyre doing, HELP THEM, if they ignore your help, TAKE A DIFFERENT GROUP.
I was in a run with a guy the other day who was lvl 20 had 50k elite endgame armor but constanly spammed "DOS ANY1 HAVE A IDENTIFICATION KIT TO SELL"
over. and over. and over. ID kits are 100g from any merchant. Free if you have monestary credits. This man is a noob.
I. Cant. Be. Bothered.
Because I dont have the patience to repeatedly farm norn points and get high ranking ursan im constantly excluded from doing elite dungeons. Things usually go like this;
Me - lfg
Them - show build
*shows carefully crafted build that works perfectly*
Them - No ursan?
Me - I dont need ursan its perfectly fine
Them - you will die, you cant do it without ursan
*shows various titles all aquired without ursan*
*gets kicked anyway*
Them - lfg slavers, no ursanless noobs
....ffs
I was in a group the other day that told me i needed ursan and that I was a noob for not having it. I told them to fuck off, My build works fine, I dont need a skill that replaces it to make me almost invincible just to play the fucking game. Some agreed, some did not. We went anyway, Got into the dungeon, All the ursans got completely owned and I had a good laugh to myself whilst being the only one managing to stay alive (as ursan has little or no healing capability or rez).
Another thing that winds me up is people who have problems with mixed builds.
My build is comprised of 8 skills, for example my rit, I have restoration, spirits which do dmg and some magic plus rez and my secondary as a ranger allows me to do high dmg with a bow as well. This is fucking awesome. But people always ask me why its mixed and im not a specific dmg dealer or healer. I fucking love my build. My build isnt to help you, Its not my job to care if you cant work your build properly and you die. Thats what heroes are for. Im not going to miss out on fun so I can stay back and heal your ass.
My third peeve, which could also apply to most mmo's, is people calling other people noobs for not knowing the exact specs and price of weapons or location of outpost. You seem to forget you were a noob once. You were a horrible noob that annoyed the fuck out of people who knew how to play the game, you spammed questions in outposts and had multicoloured armor and the wrong weapon equipped because no matter how many times people told you a warrior doesnt use a staff you would be adamant that "im allow to use what i want lol"
I no longer have the problem of being called a noob, probably because im not, But I was once. If someones a low lvl and doesnt know what the fuck theyre doing, HELP THEM, if they ignore your help, TAKE A DIFFERENT GROUP.
I was in a run with a guy the other day who was lvl 20 had 50k elite endgame armor but constanly spammed "DOS ANY1 HAVE A IDENTIFICATION KIT TO SELL"
over. and over. and over. ID kits are 100g from any merchant. Free if you have monestary credits. This man is a noob.
Friday, October 23, 2009
My favourite videos this week on teh tebs.
If theres anything I love more than b movies and terrible acting its swords and one liners, Luckily I dont have to choose. This vid caters to my every need.
You just cant piss on hospitality, as is shown in this awesome clip from Troll 2 (not child porn). This film is worth watching at least 7 times.
Not for the faintheated, but anyone who enjoys videos of gay as dudes should watch this. Bearing in mind if you fap on my blog youre going to hell, because nothing here is fap material unless youre one very disturbed or hilarious individual.
I can tell you with 100% certainty that me and my boyfriends first argument will sound exactly like this, hopefully with different subject matter.
Needs no explanation really.
Heres the original, equally as good.
Ive always had a passion for dance. I mean, watching other people dance. This has to be one of my favourite clips. Im sorry its not funny, but my god its still badass. Straight men and extremely masculine women please avert your eyes.
This video does indeed give me hardcore feelings. Make sure you watch till the end. Its very informative.
Hardly anything makes me laugh anymore apart from Lachlan. But I laughed so hard I cured aids when I saw this. So I guess you could say my boyfriend is a dog on a skateboard careening towards a bin. Dont tell him I said that he'll pretend he doesnt think its funny just to piss me off.
You just cant piss on hospitality, as is shown in this awesome clip from Troll 2 (not child porn). This film is worth watching at least 7 times.
Not for the faintheated, but anyone who enjoys videos of gay as dudes should watch this. Bearing in mind if you fap on my blog youre going to hell, because nothing here is fap material unless youre one very disturbed or hilarious individual.
I can tell you with 100% certainty that me and my boyfriends first argument will sound exactly like this, hopefully with different subject matter.
Needs no explanation really.
Heres the original, equally as good.
Ive always had a passion for dance. I mean, watching other people dance. This has to be one of my favourite clips. Im sorry its not funny, but my god its still badass. Straight men and extremely masculine women please avert your eyes.
This video does indeed give me hardcore feelings. Make sure you watch till the end. Its very informative.
Hardly anything makes me laugh anymore apart from Lachlan. But I laughed so hard I cured aids when I saw this. So I guess you could say my boyfriend is a dog on a skateboard careening towards a bin. Dont tell him I said that he'll pretend he doesnt think its funny just to piss me off.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Cheeseburgers are the food of gods
Whats with the grimaces and looks of disgust I receive when I say I want a cheeseburger all the time? Go die. Cheeseburgers are the single greatest invention since sliced bread, which is fucking included in the food itself. Oh its unhealthy blah blah, well I think you'll find the stress it causes you to tell me not to eat cheeseburgers causes higher blood pressure and cholesterol than eating the burger itself.
Infact, cheeseburgers are good for you. Yesterday I ate 14 cheeseburgers and after the 13th one I had a brainwave and cured AIDS. The 14th burger was just celebratory. This is because the primary ingriedient in cheeseburgers is MEAT and any idiot (even a woman) knows that meat makes you smarter, promotes Tom Selleck-esqe mustache growth and also, being the primary ingriedient in Bruce Willis, makes it FUCKING BADASS.
If you want to partake in this bizarre concept some like to call "cooking your own food" and lecture me every time I buy a burger then go for it. But I've heard that people who do that have a higher chance in contracting my fist to their face.
To me every cheeseburger tastes like its been made with unicorn flesh, cooked to perfection on the fires of a phoenixes rebirthing, filled with salad that has been smashed into small pieces by Odins hammer and topped off with angel cum. And they make me happy because they make you furious and fat and me stoked and powerful like She-Ra.
Sup?
But I dont really care.
Im only writing this blog to fill time while I wait for my flatmates to get back with cheeseburgers.
Infact, cheeseburgers are good for you. Yesterday I ate 14 cheeseburgers and after the 13th one I had a brainwave and cured AIDS. The 14th burger was just celebratory. This is because the primary ingriedient in cheeseburgers is MEAT and any idiot (even a woman) knows that meat makes you smarter, promotes Tom Selleck-esqe mustache growth and also, being the primary ingriedient in Bruce Willis, makes it FUCKING BADASS.
If you want to partake in this bizarre concept some like to call "cooking your own food" and lecture me every time I buy a burger then go for it. But I've heard that people who do that have a higher chance in contracting my fist to their face.
To me every cheeseburger tastes like its been made with unicorn flesh, cooked to perfection on the fires of a phoenixes rebirthing, filled with salad that has been smashed into small pieces by Odins hammer and topped off with angel cum. And they make me happy because they make you furious and fat and me stoked and powerful like She-Ra.
Sup?
But I dont really care.
Im only writing this blog to fill time while I wait for my flatmates to get back with cheeseburgers.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I like the internet
If you didnt like either of those videos then go fuck yourself. If you felt an emotion during either of them that wasnt A: fury or B: overwhelming awesomeness, then go eat some bacon and punch some sheet metal until you dont feel feelings anymore or go fuck yourself.
Friday, August 7, 2009
If you dont think this is awesome, get the fuck off my blog.
This is the coolest thing ive ever seen. Found this yesterday and had to evolve in the space of a few in seconds in order to grow a penis so I could get a boner over it. Before i'd even clicked the link my flatmate Hamish was determined to convince me it was a guy in a suit. But Hamish thinks Orbs are phospherescent fish superimposed onto films of nothing and hes also a racist that doesnt believe in ghosts or black people. And if you don't believe in ghosts I hate you, because it means you dont believe in things that are fucking totally badass and fuck shit up.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
There goes my hero
Here for your viewing pleasure I have posted some of my favorites from the inspiring artwork of Valin Mattheis.
Warning - looking at this artwork may cause the desire to fight bears and/or sharks. And some side effects of prolonged viewing can cause the manifestation of amazing super powers.
Im lucky enough to have a few of his drawings in my possession. I look at them every day to get pumped for my job as a total fucking badass.
Go check out more of his artwork on his flickr - http://www.flickr.com/people/unforgivablerealness/
From there you can also go check out his blog which showcases his fantastically eloquent and descriptive writing ability. There you will find many a tale of awesome power and adventure through the eyes of a total fucking badass. Its fucking main and you should go and read it now. Badass.
Warning - looking at this artwork may cause the desire to fight bears and/or sharks. And some side effects of prolonged viewing can cause the manifestation of amazing super powers.
Im lucky enough to have a few of his drawings in my possession. I look at them every day to get pumped for my job as a total fucking badass.
Go check out more of his artwork on his flickr - http://www.flickr.com/people/unforgivablerealness/
From there you can also go check out his blog which showcases his fantastically eloquent and descriptive writing ability. There you will find many a tale of awesome power and adventure through the eyes of a total fucking badass. Its fucking main and you should go and read it now. Badass.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
I'd rather eat a dead rock.
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
hey
rawr says:
hey
how r u?
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
im good
where do i know you from?
rawr says:
maybe vf
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
oh yeah
rawr says:
can i see you?
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
why
rawr says:
cuz you are beautiful
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
so you can tell me i look pretty and you want to --- yeah there it is
and no
no you cant
...............Today I am pissed off with people who stop talking to me when I dont cam and also when the first thing i get asked is to cam. Camming costs BANDWIDTH that I could be using to watch PORN and I have to watch PORN because you live too far away to FUCK me and i'll probably never MEET you.
Im not going to waste it sitting there whilst someone says "OMG UR LIKE SOOOO BEUTIFUL ALL DA OTHER GIRLS ARE WELL PANTS"
Because that is boring to me.
And I hate you.
And little do you know, I havent shaved my legs in two weeks and my hair has separated into dreadlocks because my shampoo is crappy and my hair straightener sucks. How beautiful is that? My hands smell like onions from the sauce I made earlier. Sexy? Lets rub them on me so I smell like onions all over. But yes, watch me on cam and tell me im beautiful. Please do. So I can tell you I smell like mushrooms and onions today.
hey
rawr says:
hey
how r u?
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
im good
where do i know you from?
rawr says:
maybe vf
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
oh yeah
rawr says:
can i see you?
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
why
rawr says:
cuz you are beautiful
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
so you can tell me i look pretty and you want to --- yeah there it is
and no
no you cant
...............Today I am pissed off with people who stop talking to me when I dont cam and also when the first thing i get asked is to cam. Camming costs BANDWIDTH that I could be using to watch PORN and I have to watch PORN because you live too far away to FUCK me and i'll probably never MEET you.
Im not going to waste it sitting there whilst someone says "OMG UR LIKE SOOOO BEUTIFUL ALL DA OTHER GIRLS ARE WELL PANTS"
Because that is boring to me.
And I hate you.
And little do you know, I havent shaved my legs in two weeks and my hair has separated into dreadlocks because my shampoo is crappy and my hair straightener sucks. How beautiful is that? My hands smell like onions from the sauce I made earlier. Sexy? Lets rub them on me so I smell like onions all over. But yes, watch me on cam and tell me im beautiful. Please do. So I can tell you I smell like mushrooms and onions today.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Reviews of games based solely on the cover: The Bards Tale.
In The Bards Tale you play as a life hardened pirate type guy with the eyes of a pervert. His name is probably something Lord of the Rings-esque like Kwangfarn or Labirkpenis.
By the looks of it he likes to hang out in pubs but thinks lesser of the whorey wenches that bring him mead and all the other dregs of society because hes had a tough life and he's just in it to make a buck. Hes a dirty, unfeeling bard, and he likes it rough because he's lived the hard life and thats all he knows.
His sword is useless and looks like something i'd buy at the $2 Shop. Fighting enemies with this would be like trying to fuck without a boner so I dont know why he's smiling.
Seems to me that this game was made by Dungeons and Dragons enthusiasts who set out to make the most generic "medievil" type role playing game they could, in the process forgetting that a Bard is someone who entertains, not someone who wears poo stained rags and fights with lightening.
On the reverse underneath the vague blurb describing the game it tells me excitedly that I can "summon up to 16 creatures" and "get crushed by traps".
Thrilling stuff. Because when I set out to play a videogame for the first time I fucking love knowing which aspects of it will eventually make me fucking furious. It reiterates this fact by telling me there are "smarter foes, fiercer battles". Like its what I really want. "Oh please THQ, make me a crappy looking game where the graphics make me want to kill myself but make it really hard too so I can spend ages watching what appear to be zombies glitching out on my terribly rendered $2 Shop blade when what I should really be holding as a bard is a FUCKING HARP".
But then again what else are you going to get from a game with a tagline like "A quest for coin and cleavage".
Im going to play this tonight and I will probably enjoy it, because I generally touch myself over anything THQ puts there name on.
Fuck you.
6/10
there's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves
Here I was minding my own business, thoroughly enjoying my latest bout of period cramps when I heard someone walking up my deck. I have the blinds up just enough so I can see who is coming over to annoy me but just low enough as to give me cover if i should desire a quick escape from whoever that might be.
Anyway, i have just enough window to see that these two dudes are carrying books. Which can only mean one thing, fucking Jehovahs.
So I open the door, bent over holding my stomach, my hair wild and face contorted with pain and after staring at me for a few seconds in horror they go into the whole Jesus speal.
Ok, I fucking hate hearing about Jesus, but if theres one thing I hate more than hearing about fucking Jesus its being made to get up from my fucking chair. So im already furious.
Now, I figure ive got two options, as i see it there are two sure fire ways to make them fuck off quickly and never return, I can slam the door in their face and then run around the house screaming voodoo curses in the hope that they wont come back. Or, I can politely tell them that im a Buddhist and pray to..well...god, that they get the hint and FUCK OFF.
I went with the Buddhism thing. Fail.
He ignores me and gives me a pamphlet that looks something like this:
Except MINE has a lion having a picnic with a child. I would usually be converted on that basis alone but I was having none of it. I was tired. Hungover. Cramping and by this point would've had sex with a hobo for half a cheeseburger.
I also got this neat little pamphlet:
Apparently god requires us to be Borat or Jackie Chan unless we're female in which case we have to be a 1950's Jamaican housewife.
One of them turned to me and told me in a thick german accent about adam and eve and how they ate from the tree and thats why we die and all that bullshit and i said, "isnt the whole deal that youre supposed to forgive? why is god still holding a grudge, bit hypocritical"
Their response was;
"well he wanted to test them and they failed"
and i said after a long pause
"..............well cant he put another tree in the world and if we pass the test we can be immortal again"
They stared at me for the longest time and then said "God will create a Utopia where we all can live in harmony"
Then from inside the house I heard my sister shout "WHEN?!" and as they both looked sideways to try and see where the disembodied voice had come from I bid them good day and slid my door shut.
Its safe to say from my careful observation of their behavior during this conversation that they would've gone back to their car and had furious anal sex. And I can say that because they worship a sky wizard that says they have to forgive me.
The best parts were when I told them I loved sinning and would just ask for forgiveness before I died. They hated it.
I love religion.
Anyway, i have just enough window to see that these two dudes are carrying books. Which can only mean one thing, fucking Jehovahs.
So I open the door, bent over holding my stomach, my hair wild and face contorted with pain and after staring at me for a few seconds in horror they go into the whole Jesus speal.
Ok, I fucking hate hearing about Jesus, but if theres one thing I hate more than hearing about fucking Jesus its being made to get up from my fucking chair. So im already furious.
Now, I figure ive got two options, as i see it there are two sure fire ways to make them fuck off quickly and never return, I can slam the door in their face and then run around the house screaming voodoo curses in the hope that they wont come back. Or, I can politely tell them that im a Buddhist and pray to..well...god, that they get the hint and FUCK OFF.
I went with the Buddhism thing. Fail.
He ignores me and gives me a pamphlet that looks something like this:
Except MINE has a lion having a picnic with a child. I would usually be converted on that basis alone but I was having none of it. I was tired. Hungover. Cramping and by this point would've had sex with a hobo for half a cheeseburger.
I also got this neat little pamphlet:
Apparently god requires us to be Borat or Jackie Chan unless we're female in which case we have to be a 1950's Jamaican housewife.
One of them turned to me and told me in a thick german accent about adam and eve and how they ate from the tree and thats why we die and all that bullshit and i said, "isnt the whole deal that youre supposed to forgive? why is god still holding a grudge, bit hypocritical"
Their response was;
"well he wanted to test them and they failed"
and i said after a long pause
"..............well cant he put another tree in the world and if we pass the test we can be immortal again"
They stared at me for the longest time and then said "God will create a Utopia where we all can live in harmony"
Then from inside the house I heard my sister shout "WHEN?!" and as they both looked sideways to try and see where the disembodied voice had come from I bid them good day and slid my door shut.
Its safe to say from my careful observation of their behavior during this conversation that they would've gone back to their car and had furious anal sex. And I can say that because they worship a sky wizard that says they have to forgive me.
The best parts were when I told them I loved sinning and would just ask for forgiveness before I died. They hated it.
I love religion.
Yes I have an opinion and here it is
Guys, It would be so easy to put on some nice clothes, sort your hair out and look in the FUCKING MIRROR.
It makes me furious when I see guys that are so ugly because they dont try, not like no hopers but dudes that could BE something. Why am I wasting my bandwidth on looking at pictures of you? You lure me in with well positioned camera angles and clever editing and then when i get to your My Photo's section its like oh, you have shit hair, and moobs and all your pictures are of you with all your hot friends, ones who's myspace I should be on.
But whats this, oh youre funny? Great. Of course you are. You've developed a sense of humor to cope with the constant agony of being born with eyes that dont match in size OR width and a tiny mouth.
I dont ask for much, all I ask is that when I want to look at hot guys I am allowed to, instead of pages and pages of HORRIBLE HORRIBLE pictures of guys that looked like if you touched them they'd be sticky or bits would come off.
Example?
And Its not just limited to Myspace. I go into town and everyones GROSS. The last person I was attracted to that I met in a real life situation was the blonde that dealt with me at WINZ. And goddamn she was hot. Maybe next time I'll deal with her. Right in the tits. Ok, so, Maybe im being a bit harsh. There WAS one guy last time I went clubbing that was pretty nice after 8 bourbons but then he leaned over to offer me his lighter and some of his chips, then as he leaned, his fat spilled from the top of his pants like a rubbery waterfall and I realised he was being nice to me and all he wanted was to ride my hooha because he was too gross to approach anyone else and it grossed me out because he was underestimating my intelligence by thinking I wouldnt know exactly what he was doing.
Is it really that hard to take some pride in your physical appearance? I mean. Fuck. You all moan about how no one will love you but jesus. Fuck.
Now, I realize im a fucking bitch. But I dont actually give a fuck because you all know you're thinking it and you're all just as judgmental as I am.
No doggggggggss allooowwweedddd.
It makes me furious when I see guys that are so ugly because they dont try, not like no hopers but dudes that could BE something. Why am I wasting my bandwidth on looking at pictures of you? You lure me in with well positioned camera angles and clever editing and then when i get to your My Photo's section its like oh, you have shit hair, and moobs and all your pictures are of you with all your hot friends, ones who's myspace I should be on.
But whats this, oh youre funny? Great. Of course you are. You've developed a sense of humor to cope with the constant agony of being born with eyes that dont match in size OR width and a tiny mouth.
I dont ask for much, all I ask is that when I want to look at hot guys I am allowed to, instead of pages and pages of HORRIBLE HORRIBLE pictures of guys that looked like if you touched them they'd be sticky or bits would come off.
Example?
And Its not just limited to Myspace. I go into town and everyones GROSS. The last person I was attracted to that I met in a real life situation was the blonde that dealt with me at WINZ. And goddamn she was hot. Maybe next time I'll deal with her. Right in the tits. Ok, so, Maybe im being a bit harsh. There WAS one guy last time I went clubbing that was pretty nice after 8 bourbons but then he leaned over to offer me his lighter and some of his chips, then as he leaned, his fat spilled from the top of his pants like a rubbery waterfall and I realised he was being nice to me and all he wanted was to ride my hooha because he was too gross to approach anyone else and it grossed me out because he was underestimating my intelligence by thinking I wouldnt know exactly what he was doing.
Is it really that hard to take some pride in your physical appearance? I mean. Fuck. You all moan about how no one will love you but jesus. Fuck.
Now, I realize im a fucking bitch. But I dont actually give a fuck because you all know you're thinking it and you're all just as judgmental as I am.
No doggggggggss allooowwweedddd.
Things I thought when I was little that make no sense now.
Whenever i went (still do) go to the bathroom i feel like im going to blink and ill suddenly be somewhere else taking a piss. Like, as if i am hallucinating going to the bathroom and was really doing something else.
I thought that planes made clouds.
We used to have to do "oral reading" in class, which just meant you read out loud to the class. So, when I first heard of "oral sex" I thought it was just sex through talking, kind of like phone sex or cyber sex, but face to face.
I believed that everyone around me was psychic and could tell all the lies that I told and could read eachothers thoughts and were secretly sniggering at people like me who didnt have the power.
I believed that all my stuffed animals came to life when I was at school or sleeping.
I used to believe that guys would store pee in their balls.
I thought that a monster was trying to drag me under the bed. I slept with the covers over my head because i was scared (and still am) that a monster will stab me in the back of the head.
I believed you'd die when you turned 100.
I used to think if i used a plastic grocery bag and jumped off the trampoline, i could parachute.
That the doctors name in Rugrats was dr.lipshits.
I used to think when you talked on the phone your voice carried through the wires to the other phone.
If you got a split end and didn't cut it off, it would travel to your had and split it down the middle.
That if im in a dark place monsters come out so I cant see them.
That there was always something behind my shower curtain so I would have to check every single time I went in to piss.
I also believed that if you flushed the toilet whilst your back was turned then ET would fly out and cling on to your back and kill you. I still to this day run straight after i flush the toilet and cant do it with my back turned.
I thought that planes made clouds.
We used to have to do "oral reading" in class, which just meant you read out loud to the class. So, when I first heard of "oral sex" I thought it was just sex through talking, kind of like phone sex or cyber sex, but face to face.
I believed that everyone around me was psychic and could tell all the lies that I told and could read eachothers thoughts and were secretly sniggering at people like me who didnt have the power.
I believed that all my stuffed animals came to life when I was at school or sleeping.
I used to believe that guys would store pee in their balls.
I thought that a monster was trying to drag me under the bed. I slept with the covers over my head because i was scared (and still am) that a monster will stab me in the back of the head.
I believed you'd die when you turned 100.
I used to think if i used a plastic grocery bag and jumped off the trampoline, i could parachute.
That the doctors name in Rugrats was dr.lipshits.
I used to think when you talked on the phone your voice carried through the wires to the other phone.
If you got a split end and didn't cut it off, it would travel to your had and split it down the middle.
That if im in a dark place monsters come out so I cant see them.
That there was always something behind my shower curtain so I would have to check every single time I went in to piss.
I also believed that if you flushed the toilet whilst your back was turned then ET would fly out and cling on to your back and kill you. I still to this day run straight after i flush the toilet and cant do it with my back turned.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
SWEE BERR WANE
ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
hungover as shit
but so stoked
i had a dream i was drinking water but i was so thirsty
and couldnt stop
and these crazy people lived in this house that kept tipping over
and they kidnapped me and hope
but i won them over with psychology
and both families watched a dvd of the dad helping his daughter up when she fell over at a running race and thats why he kidnapped us, because he was emotionally bitter because she died or something
and she goes "mr poo poo" at him when she woke up and that was like their thing
an then both families had a garage sale competition to win me and hope back if mum won
i love alcohol
Kommando Jake Noire says:
what the hell
you love having positive dreams
hungover as shit
but so stoked
i had a dream i was drinking water but i was so thirsty
and couldnt stop
and these crazy people lived in this house that kept tipping over
and they kidnapped me and hope
but i won them over with psychology
and both families watched a dvd of the dad helping his daughter up when she fell over at a running race and thats why he kidnapped us, because he was emotionally bitter because she died or something
and she goes "mr poo poo" at him when she woke up and that was like their thing
an then both families had a garage sale competition to win me and hope back if mum won
i love alcohol
Kommando Jake Noire says:
what the hell
you love having positive dreams
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Dear Beard Guy
When you walked into The Shark Club I thought you looked kinda cute..In comparison to the drunk irishman and fat cambodian guys. But up close you look like Tom Green and your smile was like the top of a castle from an old film about castles.
I told Eliza you looked cute but I was too scared to approach you because you looked ripped and I was afraid you would do a german suplex on me.
But then I saw you with that fat girl. If i'd known you'd like fat girls I wouldve put loads of snooker balls up my top and gyrated against you.
But then i'd say, "no no beard guy, you can look but you cant touch". Because then you wouldve thought I was classy and all my friends wouldve been proud of me.
I think the turning point was when your friend approached me and said YOU GAT ANY WEED MANG and pinched his thumb and forfinger together, then as he raised it up to his lips in an "toking" motion I realised that you were an american tourist, and I had had way too many shots and I wouldve rather have been shot into a volcano than go home with you.
I hate alcohol and you have a stupid t-shirt that does make any sense.
Love Faye.
I told Eliza you looked cute but I was too scared to approach you because you looked ripped and I was afraid you would do a german suplex on me.
But then I saw you with that fat girl. If i'd known you'd like fat girls I wouldve put loads of snooker balls up my top and gyrated against you.
But then i'd say, "no no beard guy, you can look but you cant touch". Because then you wouldve thought I was classy and all my friends wouldve been proud of me.
I think the turning point was when your friend approached me and said YOU GAT ANY WEED MANG and pinched his thumb and forfinger together, then as he raised it up to his lips in an "toking" motion I realised that you were an american tourist, and I had had way too many shots and I wouldve rather have been shot into a volcano than go home with you.
I hate alcohol and you have a stupid t-shirt that does make any sense.
Love Faye.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Bloggin is a mugs game.
There are so many noobs on profile/blogging sites. They write these huuuuuuuuuge unnessesarily "eloquent" three page long self masturbatory stories about how their lives are really hard, Like its proof or something and the whole worlds gonna go -
"Oh shit son youre 16 and youre living on your own AND dropped out of school? Holy shiet I cud never dun that it sunds well hrd!!"
What you want a fucking medal for "coping" with a few months of living off noodles now that your mummy cant cook you a fry up in the shape of a smiley face every morning anymore?
You must know loads of rappers n shit living a hard life like that eh.
Now you could be a complete douche and say "FAYE I HAVE WELL SEEN U RITE BLOGGZZ B4"
Oh ive written blogs in my time but theyve been more in the vein of FUCK YOU ALL YOURE CUNTS. And theyre hardly eloquent. And I really dont care if you read them because youre a CUNT FUCK YOU.
99% of the world like hearing the sound of their own voice. I lived with a chick who used to talk UTTER bullcrap just because she liked the sound of herself talking and people would pander to her constantly. Blogging sites are a bit like that.
Fucktards post blogs about their lives where they dont actual reveal anything as such (apart from the fact that theyre a fucktard) they just talk in misquoted lyrics and use long words in the wrong context whilst STILL spelling Possession with a "Z".
Then all their little friends can comment and tell them how they heard a KsE song that sounds WELL LIKE OUR LIVES. And then they both go to bed believing that theyre not a complete asshat because someone else boosts their false idea of persecution.
Whos using the big words now huh. AND IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT.
Whats worse is when people use it in messages too. And over msn.
Im too angry to finish this right now will write more later when I get back.
...From therapy.
"Oh shit son youre 16 and youre living on your own AND dropped out of school? Holy shiet I cud never dun that it sunds well hrd!!"
What you want a fucking medal for "coping" with a few months of living off noodles now that your mummy cant cook you a fry up in the shape of a smiley face every morning anymore?
You must know loads of rappers n shit living a hard life like that eh.
Now you could be a complete douche and say "FAYE I HAVE WELL SEEN U RITE BLOGGZZ B4"
Oh ive written blogs in my time but theyve been more in the vein of FUCK YOU ALL YOURE CUNTS. And theyre hardly eloquent. And I really dont care if you read them because youre a CUNT FUCK YOU.
99% of the world like hearing the sound of their own voice. I lived with a chick who used to talk UTTER bullcrap just because she liked the sound of herself talking and people would pander to her constantly. Blogging sites are a bit like that.
Fucktards post blogs about their lives where they dont actual reveal anything as such (apart from the fact that theyre a fucktard) they just talk in misquoted lyrics and use long words in the wrong context whilst STILL spelling Possession with a "Z".
Then all their little friends can comment and tell them how they heard a KsE song that sounds WELL LIKE OUR LIVES. And then they both go to bed believing that theyre not a complete asshat because someone else boosts their false idea of persecution.
Whos using the big words now huh. AND IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT.
Whats worse is when people use it in messages too. And over msn.
Im too angry to finish this right now will write more later when I get back.
...From therapy.
Im 22 years old and what is this
So I deleted myspace in a fit of anger, it was possibly the best, smartest and coolest thing I ever did. So rather than creating a new one that I will promptly delete in my next furious rage I had a brainwave and came here, Ive never blogged before and I feel moderately retarded for doing so, but I guess it had to happen at some point.
It definately beats acting like I give half a shit and agonising over how to project myself to the masses of multicoloured meatheads that inhabit myspace
OH HAI I LIKE SAMURAI PIZZA CATS AND LOADS OF OTHER HARDOUT 80S SHIT YOU SHOULD WORSHIP ME FOR BEING OBSCURE AND NOSTALGIC...I dont want to be that guy. Although that statement is probably going to bite me in the ass when I get around to decorating this thing.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooo, as it stands right now in my life im teetering on the brink of homelessness, sicker than a dead MJ and literally angry with rage. And because google has kindly given me a free diary to moan at I will most likely post my inane ramblings here. With all kinds of juicy secrets that people with no life, like me, will come here and read. Feel free to relate to me. Im very relateable. If you're an eccentric suicidal obsessive compulsive. ALRIGHT LETS DO THIS.
It definately beats acting like I give half a shit and agonising over how to project myself to the masses of multicoloured meatheads that inhabit myspace
OH HAI I LIKE SAMURAI PIZZA CATS AND LOADS OF OTHER HARDOUT 80S SHIT YOU SHOULD WORSHIP ME FOR BEING OBSCURE AND NOSTALGIC...I dont want to be that guy. Although that statement is probably going to bite me in the ass when I get around to decorating this thing.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooo, as it stands right now in my life im teetering on the brink of homelessness, sicker than a dead MJ and literally angry with rage. And because google has kindly given me a free diary to moan at I will most likely post my inane ramblings here. With all kinds of juicy secrets that people with no life, like me, will come here and read. Feel free to relate to me. Im very relateable. If you're an eccentric suicidal obsessive compulsive. ALRIGHT LETS DO THIS.
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