Reviews of games based solely on the cover: The Bards Tale.

In The Bards Tale you play as a life hardened pirate type guy with the eyes of a pervert. His name is probably something Lord of the Rings-esque like Kwangfarn or Labirkpenis.
By the looks of it he likes to hang out in pubs but thinks lesser of the whorey wenches that bring him mead and all the other dregs of society because hes had a tough life and he's just in it to make a buck. Hes a dirty, unfeeling bard, and he likes it rough because he's lived the hard life and thats all he knows.
His sword is useless and looks like something i'd buy at the $2 Shop. Fighting enemies with this would be like trying to fuck without a boner so I dont know why he's smiling.
Seems to me that this game was made by Dungeons and Dragons enthusiasts who set out to make the most generic "medievil" type role playing game they could, in the process forgetting that a Bard is someone who entertains, not someone who wears poo stained rags and fights with lightening.
On the reverse underneath the vague blurb describing the game it tells me excitedly that I can "summon up to 16 creatures" and "get crushed by traps".

Thrilling stuff. Because when I set out to play a videogame for the first time I fucking love knowing which aspects of it will eventually make me fucking furious. It reiterates this fact by telling me there are "smarter foes, fiercer battles". Like its what I really want. "Oh please THQ, make me a crappy looking game where the graphics make me want to kill myself but make it really hard too so I can spend ages watching what appear to be zombies glitching out on my terribly rendered $2 Shop blade when what I should really be holding as a bard is a FUCKING HARP".

But then again what else are you going to get from a game with a tagline like "A quest for coin and cleavage".
Im going to play this tonight and I will probably enjoy it, because I generally touch myself over anything THQ puts there name on.
Fuck you.
6/10

there's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves

Here I was minding my own business, thoroughly enjoying my latest bout of period cramps when I heard someone walking up my deck. I have the blinds up just enough so I can see who is coming over to annoy me but just low enough as to give me cover if i should desire a quick escape from whoever that might be.
Anyway, i have just enough window to see that these two dudes are carrying books. Which can only mean one thing, fucking Jehovahs.
So I open the door, bent over holding my stomach, my hair wild and face contorted with pain and after staring at me for a few seconds in horror they go into the whole Jesus speal.
Ok, I fucking hate hearing about Jesus, but if theres one thing I hate more than hearing about fucking Jesus its being made to get up from my fucking chair. So im already furious.
Now, I figure ive got two options, as i see it there are two sure fire ways to make them fuck off quickly and never return, I can slam the door in their face and then run around the house screaming voodoo curses in the hope that they wont come back. Or, I can politely tell them that im a Buddhist and pray to..well...god, that they get the hint and FUCK OFF.
I went with the Buddhism thing. Fail.
He ignores me and gives me a pamphlet that looks something like this:


Except MINE has a lion having a picnic with a child. I would usually be converted on that basis alone but I was having none of it. I was tired. Hungover. Cramping and by this point would've had sex with a hobo for half a cheeseburger.

I also got this neat little pamphlet:

Apparently god requires us to be Borat or Jackie Chan unless we're female in which case we have to be a 1950's Jamaican housewife.

One of them turned to me and told me in a thick german accent about adam and eve and how they ate from the tree and thats why we die and all that bullshit and i said, "isnt the whole deal that youre supposed to forgive? why is god still holding a grudge, bit hypocritical"
Their response was;
"well he wanted to test them and they failed"
and i said after a long pause
"..............well cant he put another tree in the world and if we pass the test we can be immortal again"
They stared at me for the longest time and then said "God will create a Utopia where we all can live in harmony"
Then from inside the house I heard my sister shout "WHEN?!" and as they both looked sideways to try and see where the disembodied voice had come from I bid them good day and slid my door shut.

Its safe to say from my careful observation of their behavior during this conversation that they would've gone back to their car and had furious anal sex. And I can say that because they worship a sky wizard that says they have to forgive me.

The best parts were when I told them I loved sinning and would just ask for forgiveness before I died. They hated it.

I love religion.

Yes I have an opinion and here it is

Guys, It would be so easy to put on some nice clothes, sort your hair out and look in the FUCKING MIRROR.
It makes me furious when I see guys that are so ugly because they dont try, not like no hopers but dudes that could BE something. Why am I wasting my bandwidth on looking at pictures of you? You lure me in with well positioned camera angles and clever editing and then when i get to your My Photo's section its like oh, you have shit hair, and moobs and all your pictures are of you with all your hot friends, ones who's myspace I should be on.

But whats this, oh youre funny? Great. Of course you are. You've developed a sense of humor to cope with the constant agony of being born with eyes that dont match in size OR width and a tiny mouth.
I dont ask for much, all I ask is that when I want to look at hot guys I am allowed to, instead of pages and pages of HORRIBLE HORRIBLE pictures of guys that looked like if you touched them they'd be sticky or bits would come off.
Example?


And Its not just limited to Myspace. I go into town and everyones GROSS. The last person I was attracted to that I met in a real life situation was the blonde that dealt with me at WINZ. And goddamn she was hot. Maybe next time I'll deal with her. Right in the tits. Ok, so, Maybe im being a bit harsh. There WAS one guy last time I went clubbing that was pretty nice after 8 bourbons but then he leaned over to offer me his lighter and some of his chips, then as he leaned, his fat spilled from the top of his pants like a rubbery waterfall and I realised he was being nice to me and all he wanted was to ride my hooha because he was too gross to approach anyone else and it grossed me out because he was underestimating my intelligence by thinking I wouldnt know exactly what he was doing.

Is it really that hard to take some pride in your physical appearance? I mean. Fuck. You all moan about how no one will love you but jesus. Fuck.

Now, I realize im a fucking bitch. But I dont actually give a fuck because you all know you're thinking it and you're all just as judgmental as I am.

No doggggggggss allooowwweedddd.

Things I thought when I was little that make no sense now.

Whenever i went (still do) go to the bathroom i feel like im going to blink and ill suddenly be somewhere else taking a piss. Like, as if i am hallucinating going to the bathroom and was really doing something else.

I thought that planes made clouds.

We used to have to do "oral reading" in class, which just meant you read out loud to the class. So, when I first heard of "oral sex" I thought it was just sex through talking, kind of like phone sex or cyber sex, but face to face.

I believed that everyone around me was psychic and could tell all the lies that I told and could read eachothers thoughts and were secretly sniggering at people like me who didnt have the power.


I believed that all my stuffed animals came to life when I was at school or sleeping.

I used to believe that guys would store pee in their balls.

I thought that a monster was trying to drag me under the bed. I slept with the covers over my head because i was scared (and still am) that a monster will stab me in the back of the head.

I believed you'd die when you turned 100.

I used to think if i used a plastic grocery bag and jumped off the trampoline, i could parachute.

That the doctors name in Rugrats was dr.lipshits.

I used to think when you talked on the phone your voice carried through the wires to the other phone.

If you got a split end and didn't cut it off, it would travel to your had and split it down the middle.

That if im in a dark place monsters come out so I cant see them.

That there was always something behind my shower curtain so I would have to check every single time I went in to piss.

I also believed that if you flushed the toilet whilst your back was turned then ET would fly out and cling on to your back and kill you. I still to this day run straight after i flush the toilet and cant do it with my back turned.

Fuck myspace

www.myspace.com/50000unstoppablewatts

SWEE BERR WANE

ARMS LIKE AN OCTOPUS WITH TWO ARMS says:
hungover as shit
but so stoked
i had a dream i was drinking water but i was so thirsty
and couldnt stop
and these crazy people lived in this house that kept tipping over
and they kidnapped me and hope
but i won them over with psychology
and both families watched a dvd of the dad helping his daughter up when she fell over at a running race and thats why he kidnapped us, because he was emotionally bitter because she died or something
and she goes "mr poo poo" at him when she woke up and that was like their thing
an then both families had a garage sale competition to win me and hope back if mum won
i love alcohol

Kommando Jake Noire says:
what the hell
you love having positive dreams

Dear Beard Guy

When you walked into The Shark Club I thought you looked kinda cute..In comparison to the drunk irishman and fat cambodian guys. But up close you look like Tom Green and your smile was like the top of a castle from an old film about castles.
I told Eliza you looked cute but I was too scared to approach you because you looked ripped and I was afraid you would do a german suplex on me.
But then I saw you with that fat girl. If i'd known you'd like fat girls I wouldve put loads of snooker balls up my top and gyrated against you.
But then i'd say, "no no beard guy, you can look but you cant touch". Because then you wouldve thought I was classy and all my friends wouldve been proud of me.
I think the turning point was when your friend approached me and said YOU GAT ANY WEED MANG and pinched his thumb and forfinger together, then as he raised it up to his lips in an "toking" motion I realised that you were an american tourist, and I had had way too many shots and I wouldve rather have been shot into a volcano than go home with you.
I hate alcohol and you have a stupid t-shirt that does make any sense.
Love Faye.

Bloggin is a mugs game.

There are so many noobs on profile/blogging sites. They write these huuuuuuuuuge unnessesarily "eloquent" three page long self masturbatory stories about how their lives are really hard, Like its proof or something and the whole worlds gonna go -
"Oh shit son youre 16 and youre living on your own AND dropped out of school? Holy shiet I cud never dun that it sunds well hrd!!"

What you want a fucking medal for "coping" with a few months of living off noodles now that your mummy cant cook you a fry up in the shape of a smiley face every morning anymore?

You must know loads of rappers n shit living a hard life like that eh.

Now you could be a complete douche and say "FAYE I HAVE WELL SEEN U RITE BLOGGZZ B4"
Oh ive written blogs in my time but theyve been more in the vein of FUCK YOU ALL YOURE CUNTS. And theyre hardly eloquent. And I really dont care if you read them because youre a CUNT FUCK YOU.

99% of the world like hearing the sound of their own voice. I lived with a chick who used to talk UTTER bullcrap just because she liked the sound of herself talking and people would pander to her constantly. Blogging sites are a bit like that.

Fucktards post blogs about their lives where they dont actual reveal anything as such (apart from the fact that theyre a fucktard) they just talk in misquoted lyrics and use long words in the wrong context whilst STILL spelling Possession with a "Z".
Then all their little friends can comment and tell them how they heard a KsE song that sounds WELL LIKE OUR LIVES. And then they both go to bed believing that theyre not a complete asshat because someone else boosts their false idea of persecution.
Whos using the big words now huh. AND IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT.

Whats worse is when people use it in messages too. And over msn.
Im too angry to finish this right now will write more later when I get back.

...From therapy.

Im 22 years old and what is this

So I deleted myspace in a fit of anger, it was possibly the best, smartest and coolest thing I ever did. So rather than creating a new one that I will promptly delete in my next furious rage I had a brainwave and came here, Ive never blogged before and I feel moderately retarded for doing so, but I guess it had to happen at some point.


It definately beats acting like I give half a shit and agonising over how to project myself to the masses of multicoloured meatheads that inhabit myspace

OH HAI I LIKE SAMURAI PIZZA CATS AND LOADS OF OTHER HARDOUT 80S SHIT YOU SHOULD WORSHIP ME FOR BEING OBSCURE AND NOSTALGIC...I dont want to be that guy. Although that statement is probably going to bite me in the ass when I get around to decorating this thing.


Soooooooooooooooooooooooo, as it stands right now in my life im teetering on the brink of homelessness, sicker than a dead MJ and literally angry with rage. And because google has kindly given me a free diary to moan at I will most likely post my inane ramblings here. With all kinds of juicy secrets that people with no life, like me, will come here and read. Feel free to relate to me. Im very relateable. If you're an eccentric suicidal obsessive compulsive. ALRIGHT LETS DO THIS.