In The Bards Tale you play as a life hardened pirate type guy with the eyes of a pervert. His name is probably something Lord of the Rings-esque like Kwangfarn or Labirkpenis.
By the looks of it he likes to hang out in pubs but thinks lesser of the whorey wenches that bring him mead and all the other dregs of society because hes had a tough life and he's just in it to make a buck. Hes a dirty, unfeeling bard, and he likes it rough because he's lived the hard life and thats all he knows.
His sword is useless and looks like something i'd buy at the $2 Shop. Fighting enemies with this would be like trying to fuck without a boner so I dont know why he's smiling.
Seems to me that this game was made by Dungeons and Dragons enthusiasts who set out to make the most generic "medievil" type role playing game they could, in the process forgetting that a Bard is someone who entertains, not someone who wears poo stained rags and fights with lightening.
On the reverse underneath the vague blurb describing the game it tells me excitedly that I can "summon up to 16 creatures" and "get crushed by traps".
Thrilling stuff. Because when I set out to play a videogame for the first time I fucking love knowing which aspects of it will eventually make me fucking furious. It reiterates this fact by telling me there are "smarter foes, fiercer battles". Like its what I really want. "Oh please THQ, make me a crappy looking game where the graphics make me want to kill myself but make it really hard too so I can spend ages watching what appear to be zombies glitching out on my terribly rendered $2 Shop blade when what I should really be holding as a bard is a FUCKING HARP".
But then again what else are you going to get from a game with a tagline like "A quest for coin and cleavage".
Im going to play this tonight and I will probably enjoy it, because I generally touch myself over anything THQ puts there name on.
Fuck you.
6/10
This needs to happen all the time. I don't even own an xbox and I'm going to buy every copy of this game I can find.
ReplyDeleteYou should pick the next game i review man. Make it something really obscure, preferably old so I can destroy someones nostalgia by pointing out all the phallic undertones.
ReplyDeleteIf you want very, very oldschool, like NES oldschool, and you are interested in destroying something nostalgic do River City Ransom. Hands down my favorite video game as a kid, still in the top 5, but humiliating based on the cover alone. For newer than that, I'm unsure. I'll think on it.
ReplyDelete